Healing

Liam has received a clean bill of health from his Orthopedic Surgeon who says that Liam's arm is looking great. Liam is running and playing much lighter without his cast and he swears he will never get onto the elliptical again...well alone that is. "Mommy, please help me do my exercises on the elliptical," has become a common phrase in our household. I am bidding my time until the newness of the elliptical wears off and he either gives up on it or falls and breaks his leg instead.

Sometimes Bad News Is Really Good News

For fifteen years I have been struggling with regulating my blood sugar levels. I have had my blood tested repeatedly with the same result each time, "Sorry you don't have diabetes and we are uncertain what is wrong." My blood sugar levels have been so chaotic that I fluctuate from being to high or low and my body's response has been to either pass out or cause me to instantly fall into a deep sleep, that kinda feels like a coma. It has put me in both embarrasing and dangerous situations, where my quality of life has been greatly affected. I have also been struggling with losing weight and keeping it off. When I resrict my calories and then work out the consequences have become dangerous. In the middle of an intense workout, I have passed out a few times and fell and hurt myself on the machine that I was working out on. Each time I haul myself back into the doctors office to find out what is going on and each time I have had the same frustrating, "Sorry can't help you." I have been forced to accept my life and what it has become with fluctuating blood sugar levels.

A few weeks ago our family was sick with bronchitis, I was feeling under the weather. I went into the student health center to see if the doctor could prescribe something for me. I was not prepared for what was to come from this visit. I was facing away from the doctor when she entered. She came up and put her hands gently on my back and inspected my neck. She then began asking me questions about my families medical history and whether or not I was struggling with blood sugar problems. I was shocked! For the first time in fifteen years I had a doctor that was taking the initiative and asking me about the one huge health issue I have been confronted with. I told her how I am a prisoner in my own body passing out and falling asleep all over the place and struggling to lose weight and my battle with fertility problems.

She did something no one else has done, she listened. She ordered a full battery of tests to be done immediately. She told me that I have acanthosis nigricans around my neck that is one indicator of insulin resistance. Doctors have been looking for full blown diabetes and not looking for insulin resistance. When I got the test results back we found that my thyroid works perfectly and that my glucose levels are great. But the big issue is my insulin, it should be a 1:10 ratio to my glucose levels but mine is a sluggish 1:3 ratio. She perscribed metformin and has referred me to work with a dietitian. We are going to see if we can discover what levels of meds I need with the right diet and exercise. I have been on the metformin for a week and it has been the difference between night and day. I feel amazing and have been able to avoid all the yucky side affects that have plagued others on the meds thus far. I feel energized and have not passed out once. I am so grateful that I finally found a doctor that is willing and able to help me conquer my insulin resistance. Not to mention losing four pounds the first week is pretty impressive!

I really don't want to be full blown diabetic and this doctor is going to work hard with me to ensure that doesn't happen any time soon. I have a family history of diabetes and I have watched many family members become sick from it and eventually die from complications stemming from diabetes. I would really like to avoid this fate as much as possible!

I have learned from this that sometimes bad news can actually be good news. I don't like knowing that I am pre-diabetic but I sure like knowing why I keep passing out and that I can do something about it now before it progresses to a stage that I can't return from. I see this as a chance to get better. My doctor feels that we can hold the diabetes off for a long time with medicine, a healthy diet, and exercise. I have gone from feeling powerless and uncertain to feeling empowered and educated. I like this much better than smacking my head on the pavement each time my blood sugars drop!

Confessions From An Emotional Eater

Most of you know that I have been working super hard all year on getting healthy and losing weight. I have been doing super awesome up to this point and have actually lost about 25 pounds so far. So hooray for me! But I have been slipping for the past two weeks and have been sneaking in things that I know aren't good for me, not going to the gym as faithfully, or just being lazy and not recording my food journal daily. I feel like if I "out" myself that I might feel embarrassed and therefore act more responsible and take more ownership for my actions and get back on track. So here I am saying, "Oops! I am slipping on my commitment to myself!! I need to realign myself with my goals and get back on task. Any suggestions out there from you amazing people would be greatly appreciated!! (PS, This isn't a plateau or anything. This is me actually being lazy and needing to re-motivate myself.) Thanks everyone in advance for any help or advice you can lend me!

Feeling The Burn...(or something like that!)

Liam has been watching me work out and so when I wasn't looking he got out my exercise mat and some hand weights. He was so funny trying to lift these 2 pound weights! He resorted to keeping his hands stationary and then lifting his legs! He had Bill and I laughing so hard!! I have to confess that when I started weight training my form wasn't that far from Liam's!! But thanks to this website, I have gotten better and am loving my free weight training sessions now. I am grateful for the reminder that I have someone very special looking up to me. He is watching his mommy become healthier and I hope that translates to him the importance of being health in all aspects of his life. Love you Liam Boy!

Moana And The Tearful Good-bye

I have been a size 18/20 since about 1996, so for about 12 years I have been the same size and have amassed a huge collection of plus size clothing over the last decade. I tried to tell myself that I was "Big and Beautiful" and darn proud of it too and that I really didn't think that I had a problem. Yet when I had major complications with getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and being seriously ill my entire pregnancy and then taking 8 months to recover from the complications post-pregnancy I started to feel deep down inside of me that I did really have a problem. Then my world of fantasies came crashing down as I had a physical at the end of December last year and saw for myself from the results of my blood work that I was already walking down the dangerous path of having heart disease and type 2 diabetes in my not so distant future. It made me sick and scared to realize that I wasn't really taking care of my son because I wasn't taking care of his primary care giver. I was putting my life in jeopardy! It was time to do something about it and so since January I have been working really hard at taking control of my emotional eating and learning how to exercise each and every day. Well I have finally lost my first 20 pounds!!! So I have had to purge my hordes of plus size clothes and clean out my closet and all my hiddy holes of my gorgeous clothes. I thought that it would feel so good to finally be rid of my plus sized clothes but I was so wrong!! I felt like the song, "Taps" was playing in the background as I tried on each and every article of clothing that I own and analyzed whether or not it fit. I lamented as I parted company with the gorgeous pea-coat my mother-in-law lovingly gave me, I shed copious amounts of tears as I realized that the outfit I wore in our first family picture after Liam was born swamped me, I was disappointed that the outfit I wore to my sisters joyous wedding would never be worn to another momentous family gathering. I really felt like I was parting company with the greatest friends I had ever known. I seriously had to take a break and contemplate whether or not I should really get rid of my clothes. But I wasn't going to hold onto the past, I am making changes for the better and to hold onto the clothes was like telling myself that I would again return to the place I have worked so hard to leave. So as I contemplated what should be done, I had a great idea come to me. Bill and I volunteer at a women's shelter here in town that shelters women and children fleeing from domestic violence often times with only the clothing on their backs and nothing else. It dawned on me that I could donate my beloved clothes to this shelter where women needing clothing in good condition that were stylish and had lots of good wear in them could be used. It would enable them to feel beautiful, loved and able to return to work. This comforted me and helped me to be brave and bid a fond adieu to my beloved friends.
As I stood there for hours and hours cleaning and purging I also came to this important realization. The clothes that I once fit perfectly were now to big but the strange thing about this was that though the clothes were several sizes to big it was I who had actually out grown them. I have grown inside and I have finally made the important realization that "I am worth it!"
I am worth being happy, I am worth being healthy, I am worth the time and money investment it takes to work out and to pay someone to help me lose the weight. I am worth being as gorgeous on the outside as I feel I am on the inside, I am worth feeling beautiful, I am worth feeling feminine, I am worth feeling comfortable in my own skin. My feelings are worth being look at and expressed and not suppressed with food. I am worth it, I AM WORTH IT!!! So as I look at the next picture of my more then half empty closet, I say to myself that this is only the beginning and that the next 55-60 pounds will soon be history because I now know what the secret is, its knowing for myself that "I am worth it!!"

I have also learned that I am not a fat person this is not who I truly am. As I am shedding the weight I feel like I am truly finding the real me. I have only been hiding behind the fat out of fear of getting hurt, of being abandoned, and of being rejected. I have opened my eyes and seen that these are only my fears and that there is nothing to support them. I am freeing myself of the pain and fear that has held me captive for so many years. For me, the weight has only been a symptom of the problem, not the actual problem itself. I am working hard at allowing the real me to emerge from behind all of the fat. I am giving myself permission to be who I truly feel that I am. It has been and continues to be a long and arduous journey but I know that I am up to the task because I have great support in my husband, family and friends (that includes you reader who has stuck with me and read this very long post, thanks!!)

Hordes and hordes of gorgeous clothes. Friends to me really but I will send them out to make someone else feel happy as they have done this for me.

Me wearing size 14 pair of jeans wow!!! I am so excited its been over a decade since I have since those digits! But I have decide that I wont be bonding with this size since I still have a long journey ahead of me!

I know the secret to losing the weight, it is the knowledge that each of us are worth it! (Hooray one less chin!!!;)

I Am Proud To Be A Loser!

It's Easter Sunday and all and I will post pics of our cute little boy and his Easter loot from Saturday, (we don't give him Easter stuff on Sunday just Saturday or Monday) but I wanted to share with all my avid supporters out there my good news! Since joining Weight Watchers 3 weeks ago, I have now lost 5.8 pounds!!! That makes my total weight loss since January, 10 pounds. I have been working so hard for this, it makes me wonder what its going to take to lose all of the weight! But since joining Weight Watchers it has been easier and I feel like I have a hard set plan that I can stick to and a great support system in friends and such at my weekly meetings. I am losing on average 2 pounds a week with the Weight Watchers program, better then my previous 1/2-1 pound by myself. My workouts are also getting easier as I transition into the intermediate program with the fitness routine I am using. I am so happy to be a loser right now and just wanted to share the great news of finally being a "biggish" loser!

Guess What I Did!

Well as you all know I have been trying really hard to lose weight. I have worked out faithfully every single week save Sundays since the beginning of January, counted calories, purchased and wear a pedometer and walk at least 10,000 steps a day and have changed my eating drastically. But I haven't had the weight loss success that I was hoping for and so, I joined Weight Watchers. I have been doing the Flex Plan since last Thursday and when I weighed myself today I was shocked to see that I had finally lost a significant amount of weight! Hooray! I feel excited and feel that this is a weight loss plan that I can do for the long haul. I am not starving or hungry and am feeling really good. Thanks so much everyone for your encouragement and support, your love means so much to me as I am worked so hard to becoming healthier.