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Monday, November 15, 2010

Uncomfortable

I had a really negative experience today, it has had a profound effect on me. I was on the receiving end of someone elses "bad day" and my heart is hurting. I thought that bullying would stop with childhood and yet I have learned that there are adults who feel so threatened that they seek to control others with their bitterness. Why is it that people who are unhappy have to strike out and hurt others with their yuck? The part that has me the most upset is the way that I handled the situation. I wished that I would have had the courage to have defended myself and to have said something really smart and assertive. But instead I took the abuse and my heart and self-confidence crumbled into a million pieces. I feel so ashamed that I did not know how to stand my ground and speak with assertiveness. Instead I feel as if I am some way in the wrong, that perhaps I am the one that is to blame. I am so ashamed from the experience that I feel to embarrassed and would like to crawl into a deep hole somewhere and never ever come out. I hate feeling these tender vulnerable feelings and I hate knowing that I am allowing someone elses actions to make me feel this way.

5 comments:

WILLFULL said...

I know that this was a devastating event, but I want you to know that I feel like you are doing the right thing by assertively standing up for yourself. You are handling it like a mature, intelligent adult. You are not being reactive or aggressive you are just asserting your right as a person to be respected. I admire your courage. I would have been angry and gotten myself into worse trouble you are definitely taking the high road on this.
I am impressed by you.

Alexa said...

I agree with Bill. I also have a hard time standing up for myself in the heat of the moment, but then simmer for a while, think of all sorts of awful things I should have said... decide I SHOULD say them, and then regret every word that comes out of my mouth. I'm still mortified and embarrassed by things I've said years ago, that I should have just let alone. I had no idea that you could feel worse for saying something, than letting someone else say hurtful things to you.

I'm so sorry whatever happened, happened. I hope you feel at peace with things soon. Can't wait to see you over the holidays!

Jana Perkins said...

I have to admit that I have been there several times, not being able to something really smart and assertive back to those who put me down. I have felt that kick-myself feeling for not standing up and hurting them right back. In the long run though, I realize that that's the teenager in me. You are an amazing women and don't let anyone make you think otherwise! Love you tons.

The Fullmers Four said...

I am so sorry to hear that this has happened. It is hard to be in that sort of situation, and knowing how to respond. There have been times when I get hurt, and just walk away, that I find myself still stewing about it days later. I think you are totally justified in going and talking to the person about it. Let them know that they hurt you, and whether they meant to or not, you are not willing to let it happen again.

I think that everyone is guilty of doing hurtful things, but that doesn't mean that it is ok.

I am sorry you got hurt. I love you, and hope that everything works out.

The Fullmers said...

Thanks everyone for your comments, I really appreciate your feedback. I learn so much from each of you and all the sage wisdom you have shared with me, thanks all!