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Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Big Changes

Last year was a real doozie for our family. I graduated from USU with my associates degree,  was pregnant with our second child, Liam started 1st grade, and Bill got a job in Salt Lake. We were trying everything in our power to move closer to where Bill was working. Try as we might, no matter what we did we could not find a suitable place to live or replacement school for Liam that we felt good about. We prayed about it constantly, went to the temple, had our families fast for us and tried everything possible to make a move to Salt Lake happen. Finally, after about four months of trying to force something that just didn't feel right, we conceded defeat and decided to stay put for the time being. This was a hard decision that at the time did not make logical sense but felt like it was the right choice. Then suddenly with no provocation, in September Bill lost his job. It was gut wrenching and frightening. We had just gotten insurance and were weeks away from having a baby. The timing couldn't have been any worse. However, we were grateful that we were still in Logan so that we could pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and regroup. Liam went on to enjoy his second year at his amazing school, we had a healthy baby boy and we kept submitting job applications like crazy. Bill freelanced both instructional and graphic design jobs, while working every odd job that he could find. Christmas came and we knew it was going to be a meager Christmas, however, through the generosity of others, a Christmas miracle was worked on our behalf and Christmas morning arrived with presents under the tree for our kiddos. We tried to be hopeful and grateful as we have worked hard to find another job. However, about Easter time I was getting anxious, having panic attacks, and sleepless nights as our situation went from bad to worse. I was beginning to question myself and the decisions I had made leading up to where I was. I was worried that I had made a bad decision leaving school, my job, the life that I had built up. Bill was also questioning himself and we both went through some rough and harrowing times in our personal lives. About the end of April, in the state of a panic attack, I began to pray. I was pleading with Heavenly Father and laid my heart and all that I was concerned about out there for him to hear. I realized that I had hit the wall and that I could go no further. My faith, my heart, my marriage, everything that I hold dear was in peril. I pleaded with Heavenly Father to make it all stop, the pain, the fear, the anxiousness--all of it. I asked him to help me and my family to know what to do next. It was a long night of pleading and petitioning my loving Heavenly Father. In the morning, I felt a little better was uncertain how things were going to change. But, I felt better somehow knowing that things might turn around--somehow.  A few days later Bill received a call about his resume. He had submitted many resumes wherever he could and we had not heard back on any viable options, so tho have a call was encouraging. That call turned into a phone interview which lead to a second interview. A second interview, this seemed promising but we were jaded and uncertain if we should get all of our hopes up.  Then our world was turned upside down when less than a week later another phone call, an actual job offer!  A job offer--relief to our struggling family, a life line being held out to us to end the fear, anxiousness and worries. They wanted Bill to begin in two weeks and we had to begin the process of moving our family to Utah county. I began immediately looking for a new school for Liam that we felt good about and we were overwhelmed with the possibilities. We went down the next day to see an apartment and school for Liam. We were initially disappointed in the first place and school that we visited. We returned to Logan feeling confused and worried. However, we felt encouraged again when Bill asked a new co-worker if he could recommend a place for us to look into. Miraculously he knew of a family that was moving out three houses down from him at that very minute. We called to inquire and discovered that their was an elderly lady that had been forced to convert her basement into an apartment. She had recently lost her husband and was in need of a tenant to help her pay her mortgage. The apartment she was offering was perfect, it was in a great ward, and the school was amazing. We ran down and meet her and within three days of the job offer, we had a place to live, worship, and a school for Liam that we felt good about. We attended church that Sunday and were instantly welcomed in and looked forward to calling this ward our own. We began packing and getting ready to move and were blessed with many people that helped us in Cache Valley and also in Utah County. I have been overwhelmed with the outpouring of love and friendship that has been offered to our family. I have been blessed beyond what I deserve and I feel humbled by the love I know my Father in Heaven has for me. I don't know why it was necessary for our family to struggle so much this past year and yet I am grateful that things have turned around for us. I am thankful for a loving Father that would listen to the many panic attacks of his child and bless me with a way out of them. Things keep getting better and better and I am grateful that our little family has weathered the storms and come out of the darkness that we were in.  It was a difficult experience but I am grateful that we survived it and are better for having endured it. I just pray that we have passed through this experience and can finally have a positive year filled with memories that I want to look back on and smile about. Yesterday, I enrolled Liam in his new school and I admit, I had a few tears as I thought about the life I have know permanently shredded back in Cache Valley. All loose ends have been neatly tied up and I am now a permanent fixture where I am. I lament the good times that Bill and I had in Cache Valley, to me it will always have a piece of my heart. I was married there, was a newly wed and celebrated my first Christmas as a Fullmer there. I became a mother there and my life has been enriched and made beautiful from the many life experiences that I had in Cache Valley. I miss being a student at USU, sending my son to his amazing school there and the people and relationships that I had. Whenever I see someone wearing a USU shirt I get teary eyed and begin missing what I have left behind. But, I know that for right now I am where I am supposed to be. Right here in Utah county raising my two beautiful boys and supporting the love of my life. We will build a new life here that will be just as memorable and wonderful as the life we have left behind. I am thankful, excited and hopeful for what our future holds for us here in this new place.


Jana Perkins said...

I'm so glad things have worked out for you! Leaving Logan behind was a struggle for me too. I still miss the people, events, and memories we made there. But looking forward there will be more in the place I am now. I also pray with you that this new year will be more comforting and peaceful for you.

Chelsa Dimond said...

I had no idea you were going through such a hard time! Thank you for sharing about it. I've been really struggling lately and needed to hear this.

MOANA said...

Jana: I always appreciate your kind words, thank you so much!

Chelsa: I am saddened to hear that your struggling. My heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you!!