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Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Moana And The Tearful Good-bye

I have been a size 18/20 since about 1996, so for about 12 years I have been the same size and have amassed a huge collection of plus size clothing over the last decade. I tried to tell myself that I was "Big and Beautiful" and darn proud of it too and that I really didn't think that I had a problem. Yet when I had major complications with getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and being seriously ill my entire pregnancy and then taking 8 months to recover from the complications post-pregnancy I started to feel deep down inside of me that I did really have a problem. Then my world of fantasies came crashing down as I had a physical at the end of December last year and saw for myself from the results of my blood work that I was already walking down the dangerous path of having heart disease and type 2 diabetes in my not so distant future. It made me sick and scared to realize that I wasn't really taking care of my son because I wasn't taking care of his primary care giver. I was putting my life in jeopardy! It was time to do something about it and so since January I have been working really hard at taking control of my emotional eating and learning how to exercise each and every day. Well I have finally lost my first 20 pounds!!! So I have had to purge my hordes of plus size clothes and clean out my closet and all my hiddy holes of my gorgeous clothes. I thought that it would feel so good to finally be rid of my plus sized clothes but I was so wrong!! I felt like the song, "Taps" was playing in the background as I tried on each and every article of clothing that I own and analyzed whether or not it fit. I lamented as I parted company with the gorgeous pea-coat my mother-in-law lovingly gave me, I shed copious amounts of tears as I realized that the outfit I wore in our first family picture after Liam was born swamped me, I was disappointed that the outfit I wore to my sisters joyous wedding would never be worn to another momentous family gathering. I really felt like I was parting company with the greatest friends I had ever known. I seriously had to take a break and contemplate whether or not I should really get rid of my clothes. But I wasn't going to hold onto the past, I am making changes for the better and to hold onto the clothes was like telling myself that I would again return to the place I have worked so hard to leave. So as I contemplated what should be done, I had a great idea come to me. Bill and I volunteer at a women's shelter here in town that shelters women and children fleeing from domestic violence often times with only the clothing on their backs and nothing else. It dawned on me that I could donate my beloved clothes to this shelter where women needing clothing in good condition that were stylish and had lots of good wear in them could be used. It would enable them to feel beautiful, loved and able to return to work. This comforted me and helped me to be brave and bid a fond adieu to my beloved friends.
As I stood there for hours and hours cleaning and purging I also came to this important realization. The clothes that I once fit perfectly were now to big but the strange thing about this was that though the clothes were several sizes to big it was I who had actually out grown them. I have grown inside and I have finally made the important realization that "I am worth it!"
I am worth being happy, I am worth being healthy, I am worth the time and money investment it takes to work out and to pay someone to help me lose the weight. I am worth being as gorgeous on the outside as I feel I am on the inside, I am worth feeling beautiful, I am worth feeling feminine, I am worth feeling comfortable in my own skin. My feelings are worth being look at and expressed and not suppressed with food. I am worth it, I AM WORTH IT!!! So as I look at the next picture of my more then half empty closet, I say to myself that this is only the beginning and that the next 55-60 pounds will soon be history because I now know what the secret is, its knowing for myself that "I am worth it!!"

I have also learned that I am not a fat person this is not who I truly am. As I am shedding the weight I feel like I am truly finding the real me. I have only been hiding behind the fat out of fear of getting hurt, of being abandoned, and of being rejected. I have opened my eyes and seen that these are only my fears and that there is nothing to support them. I am freeing myself of the pain and fear that has held me captive for so many years. For me, the weight has only been a symptom of the problem, not the actual problem itself. I am working hard at allowing the real me to emerge from behind all of the fat. I am giving myself permission to be who I truly feel that I am. It has been and continues to be a long and arduous journey but I know that I am up to the task because I have great support in my husband, family and friends (that includes you reader who has stuck with me and read this very long post, thanks!!)
Hordes and hordes of gorgeous clothes. Friends to me really but I will send them out to make someone else feel happy as they have done this for me.
Me wearing size 14 pair of jeans wow!!! I am so excited its been over a decade since I have since those digits! But I have decide that I wont be bonding with this size since I still have a long journey ahead of me!

I know the secret to losing the weight, it is the knowledge that each of us are worth it! (Hooray one less chin!!!;)

11 comments:

Courtney said...

I am so happy that you posted this. I know that you have been trying to become more healthy and I know that it must have been an emotional climb also. It gave me a better insight to you. I have seen the change in you. You seem so happy. You also seem to LOVE being healthy. I love that you are overcoming or have overcome emotional eating, because as a fellow female and mother, I hear ya! I think that emotional eating is a big problem for many of us. You are so inspiring and such a wonderful person. I love that those clothes had so much meaning to you. It also makes me feel human because I have been looking at the cinder block walls and the horrible drapes and cupboards and feeling the emotion. It is like you said though, WE are BOTH moving up. You are so incredibly blessed. You are a very beautiful person all around. I could feel it the first time we met on the Aggie Village playground. You are so inspiring and I feel like I was meant to meet you. We continuously cross paths. I hope you know how loved you are. You have so much love in your home, with Bill and Liam. You are a wonderful mother and person. The fact that you volunteer at a Women's shelter and that you thought to give these women your clothes shows how compassionate you are. I am so grateful to know you.

Samantha said...

What an amazing post. Thanks for sharing such deep feelings. So so proud of you, for the weight obviously, but more importantly for the life changing attitude you have adopted and freely shared with us! What a wonderful example you are to me and all those around you! I too feel blessed to know you! Keep doing great! Love you!

Alexa said...

Oh man, when I lost my weight last time, I was so excited to get rid of the old, big clothes (or have my mom alter them) and yell "Look at me in skinny jeans!!" And shopping for myself became a whole new joy! Have some fun! You deserve it for working so hard! Smile and let go =)

Alexa

Anonymous said...

SIS....u look awesome....Im so stoked for you I had to make a comment...Im proud of you...I love you...Debz

Syme Family said...

Great Job Moana! Hopefully someday I'll get over this hurdle too! Thanks for being so open about this. It really made me think about somethings!

Rachel said...

OH MY!! Look how hot and skinny you look!!!! I love posts like this, it's so motivating. I'm so happy for you to have been able to have the will power to keep going and then dump the clothes! There's no going back. My problem is now that no matter how much I lose, I always feel fat and am "emotionally fat." So keep the vision and when you lose more weight, realize you ARE skinny and remember to lose weight "emotionally" too or it will never be good enough. Love you like crazy and good luck on your road!

Jackie Clines said...

Moana, I am so proud of you! I have been thinking about you alot lately so I decided to look up your blog today. I'm so glad I did! I miss visiting teaching with you and wish we got to see each other more often. I am so inspired by your story! As you know, I've had many of the same struggles as you and it's just so motivating to hear that you have found ways of overcoming the obstacles standing in the way of your personal health. It makes me think that maybe I can do it, too! I feel the same way Courtney does, like I was meant to know you--and I'm so glad that I know you! You look wonderful! Let me know if I can ever do anything . . .

Heiner Family Blog said...

You are great and amazing and such a strong and determined woman. Thanks for being such an example. It was funny, just today I got out some pants that I haven't worn for several years and they fit! I was pleasantly surprised. You know, I have only been able to successfully lose weight this because of your post about the calorie count website. I'm sure I've told you before, but thanks again and keep up the good work. You look amazing. Lets see some more pics!!!

Jeannette said...

Oh Moana, I am so very proud of you!!!! I read your post and tears flowed because I can see how hard you have worked and how much you have let go of, not only your clothes or the the weight but any feelings of inadequacy or lack of self worth. We all have those feelings sometimes but you opened your heart and share it with us. I love you, I am proud of you and I support you all the way.
Wish I could give you a great big hug in person but I'll just have to send you one here.
I must also say that you look so beautiful, there is a light in your eyes that is shining from so deep inside and it reflects joy and confidence.
Cheers to a healthy happier life!
May the women that receive your clothes also receive your fighting spirit.
Auntie J.

Xela said...

Oh my sweet cousin, I am so very proud of you and so happy for you as well. What a journey you have been on this last 6 months. You are an inspiration to all of us. I can only imagine the life changing time you have had. It has been neat to see you change through your blog. I am so grateful to you for sharing such a personal thing with all of us. I can see that you are more the Moana I knew when we were young. Sometimes we loose ourselves as we get older and things happen to us and around us and we forget that we are still a Child of God. A child that deserves to be happy and can be so amazing! I love you cousin and look forward to seeing more of your amazing transformation! :)

The Holcombs said...

What an amazing and heartfelt post. Thank you for sharing something so personal with us all. You have no idea the impact you are having on the rest of us with your bravery. Your journey is one of worth and surrounded by cheers and love. I am inspired by you and will cry with you as well. Keep it up and I too love to see the transformation inner and outer. Love you Mandy