Moana And The Tearful Good-bye

I have been a size 18/20 since about 1996, so for about 12 years I have been the same size and have amassed a huge collection of plus size clothing over the last decade. I tried to tell myself that I was "Big and Beautiful" and darn proud of it too and that I really didn't think that I had a problem. Yet when I had major complications with getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and being seriously ill my entire pregnancy and then taking 8 months to recover from the complications post-pregnancy I started to feel deep down inside of me that I did really have a problem. Then my world of fantasies came crashing down as I had a physical at the end of December last year and saw for myself from the results of my blood work that I was already walking down the dangerous path of having heart disease and type 2 diabetes in my not so distant future. It made me sick and scared to realize that I wasn't really taking care of my son because I wasn't taking care of his primary care giver. I was putting my life in jeopardy! It was time to do something about it and so since January I have been working really hard at taking control of my emotional eating and learning how to exercise each and every day. Well I have finally lost my first 20 pounds!!! So I have had to purge my hordes of plus size clothes and clean out my closet and all my hiddy holes of my gorgeous clothes. I thought that it would feel so good to finally be rid of my plus sized clothes but I was so wrong!! I felt like the song, "Taps" was playing in the background as I tried on each and every article of clothing that I own and analyzed whether or not it fit. I lamented as I parted company with the gorgeous pea-coat my mother-in-law lovingly gave me, I shed copious amounts of tears as I realized that the outfit I wore in our first family picture after Liam was born swamped me, I was disappointed that the outfit I wore to my sisters joyous wedding would never be worn to another momentous family gathering. I really felt like I was parting company with the greatest friends I had ever known. I seriously had to take a break and contemplate whether or not I should really get rid of my clothes. But I wasn't going to hold onto the past, I am making changes for the better and to hold onto the clothes was like telling myself that I would again return to the place I have worked so hard to leave. So as I contemplated what should be done, I had a great idea come to me. Bill and I volunteer at a women's shelter here in town that shelters women and children fleeing from domestic violence often times with only the clothing on their backs and nothing else. It dawned on me that I could donate my beloved clothes to this shelter where women needing clothing in good condition that were stylish and had lots of good wear in them could be used. It would enable them to feel beautiful, loved and able to return to work. This comforted me and helped me to be brave and bid a fond adieu to my beloved friends.
As I stood there for hours and hours cleaning and purging I also came to this important realization. The clothes that I once fit perfectly were now to big but the strange thing about this was that though the clothes were several sizes to big it was I who had actually out grown them. I have grown inside and I have finally made the important realization that "I am worth it!"
I am worth being happy, I am worth being healthy, I am worth the time and money investment it takes to work out and to pay someone to help me lose the weight. I am worth being as gorgeous on the outside as I feel I am on the inside, I am worth feeling beautiful, I am worth feeling feminine, I am worth feeling comfortable in my own skin. My feelings are worth being look at and expressed and not suppressed with food. I am worth it, I AM WORTH IT!!! So as I look at the next picture of my more then half empty closet, I say to myself that this is only the beginning and that the next 55-60 pounds will soon be history because I now know what the secret is, its knowing for myself that "I am worth it!!"

I have also learned that I am not a fat person this is not who I truly am. As I am shedding the weight I feel like I am truly finding the real me. I have only been hiding behind the fat out of fear of getting hurt, of being abandoned, and of being rejected. I have opened my eyes and seen that these are only my fears and that there is nothing to support them. I am freeing myself of the pain and fear that has held me captive for so many years. For me, the weight has only been a symptom of the problem, not the actual problem itself. I am working hard at allowing the real me to emerge from behind all of the fat. I am giving myself permission to be who I truly feel that I am. It has been and continues to be a long and arduous journey but I know that I am up to the task because I have great support in my husband, family and friends (that includes you reader who has stuck with me and read this very long post, thanks!!)

Hordes and hordes of gorgeous clothes. Friends to me really but I will send them out to make someone else feel happy as they have done this for me.

Me wearing size 14 pair of jeans wow!!! I am so excited its been over a decade since I have since those digits! But I have decide that I wont be bonding with this size since I still have a long journey ahead of me!

I know the secret to losing the weight, it is the knowledge that each of us are worth it! (Hooray one less chin!!!;)