First Grader

Looking at our last several posts, I feel somewhat flummoxed that all of them are about the baby and don't have any mention of my amazing first born. So I will dedicated this entire post to him so that I can ease my conscience. This past summer has been a unique one for our little family. It began with us moving from on campus student family housing that we have lived in for ten years. Yes, ten years. No they didn't kick us out or even give us a reward for living there so long! We actually were very sad to leave and each time I drive past I shed a few tears as I reminisce about the wonderful times spent there. We moved to our new apartment in June and have enjoyed getting to know our new neighbors and ward. We have tons more space here with three bedrooms and two bathrooms. We even have a hot tub and swimming pool and have enjoyed swimming most evenings when Bill gets home. I have been avoiding the sun like a vampire since it makes me really sick and having sun stroke
while your pregnant is not the something I would recommend! We have therefore spent most of our time hanging out at home all summer. No camping trips, trips to the Shakespearean Festival, nothing, nada, zip! Liam had a total of 16 days of summer school over the course of June and July. At first I was apprehensive and felt like a huge failure as a mother because my child had to attend summer school. However, it was actually one of the best experiences that Liam could have had this past summer. He had a wonderful experience and learned tons and tons of stuff that had previously evaded him. He will continue to work with the prevention specialists and his teacher specializes in working with kids that struggle with math and reading. We are so grateful that his teachers and school staff are willing and able to
work with him to overcome his individual issues in school. We feel very blessed and fortunate that he is able to continue at his school this year. Its a huge reason we are living here in Logan while Bill commutes to Salt Lake for work each day. We were hugely concerned for Liam's education as we discussed his particular situation with his teachers before the end of the school year. We felt that it was not in his best interests to move him to a different school just yet. So we are going to see how this year goes and if we can help him overcome some of his learning issues. He is attending a charter school that has access to amazing resources that we would not have easy access to very easily elsewhere. I am hopeful as I have watched him become excited about school over the course of the summer. I have been working intensely with him all summer and I am watching a slow fire
building in him. He is starting to enjoy school and learning. He is a super intelligent boy, that isn't the problem. Its more like maturity and behavior stuff that comes with time and patience. Last week, I took him to his school to show him where he would be dropped off each day, where his locker and his classroom was and how to work the lunch room. Since that day he has been asking over and over again when he would be starting school. This morning, he was up, in the shower and dressed before I had his breakfast on the table. As he was eating his waffles, he kept telling me, "Mom I am so excited to be going to school today. I feel like a new Liam." When I asked him what was making him feel like a new boy, he said, "I think my new clothes are making me feel like a new boy." He was so excited about going to school today that we left 30 minutes early and were the first people to arrive at the school. The halls and classrooms were empty as we were able to capture lots of great pictures of Liam's first day since no one was around! He kept telling me how excited he was and that he just wanted school to hurry up and start. I can hardly wait to hear from him how his day went. I hope he has a great first day that will lead him to having a great second and third day, etc. I hope he makes some friends, listens to his teachers, and that he keeps feeling that little fire inside of him growing as he develops his own love of learning.

Celebration

I will be graduating with my Associates Degree on Friday April 29. The next Saturday--May 7 from 12-2 pm Bill will be hosting a party for me to celebrate this newest milestone. Please email me, leave a comment or facebook message me for details if you would like to come.

I am really proud of this accomplishment because it is something I have wanted my entire life. Since I was a young child, I knew that one day I would like to graduate from College. I know that I am only halfway there and yet I am super proud of all the hard work I have put into earning this degree. I held a job, raised a child, got pregnant, and am a wife while maintaining a 3.97 GPA. That is all A's with two A-'s. I have loved every experience whether good or bad because it has contributed to my college experience. Yesterday, I had my exit interview and I nearly cried as I reviewed with my academic advisor all that had taken place over the past three years to get me where I am today. I am so grateful for the people who have helped me, encouraged me, and believed in me. I am so grateful and humbled that I am halfway to realizing one of the greatest goals I have ever had. I know that before to long, I will be back in the classroom completing the other half of my goal.

Getting An Education

Liam started Kindergarten three weeks ago, and yet I am just now finding the time to blog about it. Liam has been attending preschool/daycare for two years now and so he is kind of an old pro at being away from mom and dad for extended periods of time. However, he was especially excited that he was going to be going to the "Big Kids School." He eagerly picked out his school clothes and laid them out with his beloved back pack. He woke up early and was ready and out the door on time for the entire first week. However, with the reality sinking in that this is how life is going to be for the next thirteen years at least, he has lost a little of his enthusiasm. He has been late several days this week and his enthusiasm is waning. Despite all of that he still claims to LOVE school. He says his favorite part is snack time, recess, and having a new friend.I am also grateful that he LOVES his Kindergarten teacher. Each day he has glowing things to tell us about his day. He is very good at getting his homework done each night and laying his clothes out in preparation for the morning. He is acting more mature and I am astounded that my baby really is old enough to be in school. He has the funniest stories to tell and I love to see how his mind is working and processing all that he is being taught. I am also grateful that he is in close proximity to me. Next year, I will be able to sneak over and have lunch with him. He is also close enough so that I can volunteer in his classroom in between my college classes. I actually drop him off to his school on the way to my school. We both have our backpacks and our bikes as we roll into school for the day. Classes started for me two weeks ago.
I am being brave and taking more credits than I have dared in the past. I am managing everything really well and actually enjoying my classes and the busyness of it all. At the end of summer, I realized that I was really sad that I wouldn't be taking another Math class. So I re-evaluated and decided that I could actually take a few more. I am LOVING my Math 1050 class and enjoying it so much! I would never have guessed that I would prefer a Math class over an English class! I am still waiting for the reports telling the world that pigs can now fly and that Hades has frozen over. Its a strange phenomenon to find love in something you once detested. But life is about gaining new experiences and growing up a little. I can hardly believe that at the end of this semester, I will be a few credits shy of being a Junior. I can scarcely believe how fast time is going, it feels like just yesterday that I was Freshman. I love being in school and that I have the amazing opportunity to be a college student. I also love that my little man is loving him some education as well.

Purging and Fortifying

As the Summer is winding down and as we contemplate another school year, I have been frantically trying to get ready for school.This year, I have a Kindergartner to prepare for school. I am unsure what my feelings are supposed to be about this exciting milestone. I am happy, nostalgic, and excited. I am unsure whether or not I will cry on his first day but I am happy about where he will be going to school and who his teachers will be. I am also getting myself ready to return to school this Fall as well. I am nervous and excited for the new semester as I look forward to completing more College requirements. What has been shocking in our preparations has been the realization that Bill will not be returning to classes with Liam and I. He completed his degree and graduated in the Spring and will be going to work instead. We are still looking for a permanent job for him and we would appreciate your prayers in this endeavor.

I have a huge list of goals and tasks I would like to have completed before school starts in the next few weeks and I have been frantically completing each item on my list. I have been deep cleaning, de-cluttering, and completing old sewing projects. In the midst of all of this chaos, Liam fell victim to the dreaded stomach flu and it has cycled through all three of us.

I have been thrown off balance with this newest challenge as its taken me an entire week to pick the pieces up again. I find it ironic that while I am purging my house of unnecessary clutter, our bodies also became ill and purged unnecessary clutter from our bodies. It has been humbling to be sick during this time, I think I needed to stop for a few days and take a break. I have been so focused on completing my tasks that I haven't stopped long enough to spend quality time with my family. However, I had two days alone with Liam while he was sick and we spent some real quality time together. Albeit he was really sick but it was still time where we got to be alone and together. We have felt closer since that time and I am grateful for that. I then became ill and spent another two days alone with myself. I got to write in my journal, read, and spend time quite, still, and alone with my thoughts.

Then Bill fell prey to the sickness and than for two days I have had the fortune of taking care of him. I have a very independent husband that does not require me to take care of him very much. He, however; was so sick that I actually got to take care of him. It was a pleasure to serve him and care for him and I feel closer to him for it.

I had not penciled in the need for family connection or relationship building on my important list of goals but with us being sick this past week it was accomplished nonetheless. I am grateful for the lesson I have learned from this, sometimes when we are so focused on purging our surroundings and busying ourselves with endless tasks, sometimes we need to stop and fortify or build up the relationships we have with our families. Sometimes we need to purge ourselves of being so busy and allow ourselves times of stillness to reconnect with both our loved ones and ourselves. If Liam had not brought the stomach flu to our home, I am sure I would not have learned this important lesson. I am the kind of person that is forever busying myself with endless tasks, goals, and deadlines. I realize that I do need more balance in my life by slowing down and focusing on what I have in my life with the ones I love the most.

I want to say to my family that I love you and I am grateful that we are all in excellent health again and that I feel closer to each of you as well. Now, how about that list, which one of you is going to help me with cleaning out the hallway closet we only have two weeks left until school starts, not to mention the back porch which one of you will be helping me with...and so it goes.

Celebrate Good Times, Come On...

I have been slowly recovering from our huge fun-filled weekend. I am getting our house put back together in addition to organizing all of the photos we took of Bill graduating with his masters degree. I was teary eyed as I contemplated all that has happened in our lives since Bill embarked upon this amazing journey of gaining a college education. It was validating and satisfying to watch him hooded by his esteemed professors and then receive his diploma cover. I was filled with so much pride and joy. It was therefore fitting that we had planned a huge party worthy of our newly hooded masters graduate. However, the preparations for said celebrations was filled with drama and chaos.

Other families had the same idea to host a dinner for their own graduates, we; therefore, were not able to secure a large enough building to host our guests. We originally thought that perhaps we could set up several picnic tables in our back yard and host our guests there. However, the weather was finicky with rain, snow, and scattered showers throughout the week. We kept calling all around town trying to find a building and yet to no avail. Finally, the day before the festivities, I was struck with a desperate but brilliant plan.

We moved Liam's bed into our room and set up my mother-in-laws huge picnic table in his room. When Liam saw that we had desecrated his beloved bedroom, he was upset and sad. We had to assure him repeatedly that we would return every item back to their original locations. We had transformed our tiny humble college apartment into a dinning hall that could accommodate about 25 guest comfortably. In the end, Bill and I were glad that we had the opportunity to host our guests in our home. Our home has come to represent so much of what we have learned and experienced over the past nine years. We have learned to be creative, making our small home work for us. Bill and I have collaborated together to create storage solutions that utilize every square inch of our modest home. Our home may be a small cinder block palace but we have worked hard to make it our own, to us it truly is home.

Bill's party was a huge success and we had such a great time with family and friends that were able to attend. We feasted like Kings and had a wonderful time laughing and talking.

Graduation

We had such a great time celebrating Bill's graduation from his Master's degree program from USU. Thank you family and friends for your support as we celebrated this happy accomplishment.

Tenaciousness to the tenth degree

My entire youth I was tormented by my inabilities to understand math. Math was a huge source of frustration, and confusion for me. I never understood why the apples were being taken away and what was up with long division? To me, these were torturing devices designed to make me feel stupid and inadequate. In fact, I was afraid of math to the point of delaying college because I believed that I would never be able to pass the Math classes that were required. After all I had literally failed every single math class I had ever attempted. However, I realized that I could not keep avoiding math out of shame or fear. I finally have been facing my math fears over the course of the past year. I began by first submitting myself for special testing to see if I had a math learning disability. The test revealed that I do struggle with math but that the components for understanding math were there and that with extra effort on my part I would be able to master math. I began at the very lowest level math class at the local technology college and I slowly started mastering the basic math concepts that had been stumbling blocks for so long. At first I was afraid that I would never be able to understand math but I worked hard nonetheless. What happened over the course of the next few months was a huge transformation that I was not expecting. As I consistently worked hard each and every day on math, I found that I was actually comprehending math. Where I had first been afraid and ashamed I developed confidence and comprehension. I was understanding math and actually enjoying it. I worked my way through the lower levels of math and passed those classes with A's.

I was then ready to begin at USU with the lower levels of Algebra. I enrolled in a special math class that is available to those who qualify. It's an intensify class that meets every day and has a special SI and tutoring sessions. The class size was only about 15 students and the same teacher teaches all of the math courses. I began with pre-algebra and for the first time in my life I was able to solve equations that I had never before comprehended. I found that not only did I enjoy math but I was actually quite good at it. I again received an A in this math class and my self esteem was boosted. The next step in this journey was for me to take Math 1010. I had heard mixed reviews from other students about this course and dreaded stories about the college wide final that concluded the course. I again was in a smaller class with the same math teacher and SI instructor and tutors. I worked hard each and every day and was forever mindful of the final exam. I did everything I could to succeed in my math class and I was astounded when my final math grade posted. I earned an A- in my Math 1010 class. Never in my life did I believe that I could earn an A from a math course. I believed that I was stupid when it came to numbers and that my brain was not cut out for math computations. However, with an amazing support system and tenaciousness I have learned that you can actually accomplish anything you set your mind too. I worked long, hard hours on math over this past year, at least 4-6 hours every single day for a whole year in addition to 6-8 hours every single weekend. Math has been the center of my universe and I feel strange that I have finished my math requirements. I learned for myself that I am actually quite good at math and that with hard work and determination you can accomplish anything. I also believe that I was creating my own stumbling blocks by continually telling myself that I was a failure when it came to math and that I would never get it. When I suspended those hurtful judgements and began to dig in and work hard at learning more about math I discovered that I actually love math and that my brain is more than capable when it comes to math computations.

Hallejuah!

I keep pinching myself and asking Bill if its really true that he is officially graduating from graduate school. The answer each time has been a loud and resounding, "YES!"

I am so happy, overwhelmed, and admittedly, scared. My life for the past nine years has entailed my husband being in college in one form or another. The rhythm of my life has been determined by the events surrounding my husbands college career. We have dreamed of the "one day" that would be heralded in with him graduating from college. Our lives have been painted with the imaginings of what our dream lives will be once he was graduated and had landed the "dream job". Here we now stand on the cusp of one phase ending and another waiting to begin and I am...TERRIFIED! I have found comfort in having a predictable life that has been dictated by the needs of my spouses education. I realize that it is up to us to take hold of the reins of our own destiny and create our own hopeful and amazing tomorrows. Admittedly, I have absolutely no idea how to do this. However, I am so proud of my husband for the hard work he has put into his education and I am nostalgic of the changes and amazing people and life lessons we have learned. I am planning a party for Bill that will be held at our house after the hooding ceremony, if you are interested please email me or leave a comment. I am in the midst of preparing for finals and have not been able to officially send out invites, it has been more by word of mouth and this is my way of saying if your one of our readers, chances are you are someone important to us. Let me know if your interested in joining in on our festivities to celebrate this amazing and momentous occasion.

Emotional Roller Coaster Ride

Today is an important day for us here in Fullmerland, its the first day of a new semester. Starting a new semester is much like riding a Roller Coaster. In the beginning you are anxious but excited for the adventure you are about to embark upon. About midway through after several crazy turns, spins, and heart dropping plummets to certain death you are ready for the ride to come to a speedy end. You are convinced that you will never ever want to ride or think about riding on a Roller Coaster ever again in your life. But as the ride comes to a nice and gentle stop and as your stomach and nerves have a moment to reconcile themselves to one another, you are already lining up to go for another ride, this time you are convinced that you will let go of the handle bars and actually lift your arms high into the air in a show of bravery. The fear and anxiety is removed and you are convinced that you are invincible. Death defying drops with certainty that you will lose your lunch, yeah bring it on! I am ready.

Loving Me Some New School Supplies

For me there is something WONDERFUL about getting new school/office supplies. I have an entire cupboard dedicated to notebooks, pens, and pencils. When I was a young-un, my brother Quinn and I would anticipate getting new school supplies every Fall. We would pack and unpack our back packs and fawn over our new pencils, crayons, and notebooks. Not much has changed for me even now that I am a grown up. I still LOVE getting new school supplies and for me its one of the greatest parts of beginning a new semester.

My Son the Future Spelling Bee Champ

Liam has learned all the letters and sounds in the alphabet and is now learning to sound out words. I am so proud of him and excited for this new milestone. However I am going to have to adjust some of my parenting tactics to accommodate this new found skill. I spend most of my conversation around Liam spelling words out to Bill so that Liam has no idea what we are talking about. Here is an example:

Me: Honey guess what is on sale, T-R-A-N-S-F-O-R-M-E-R-S at Smiths Marketplace we will have to see if S-A-N-T-A will be bringing one for Liam this year.

Bill: Could you spell that again I didn't catch that.

Liam: I want to go with you to the store and see SSSAAAAAANNNNNTTTTTTTAAAAAA (the sounds of Liam sounding out what I just spelled)
SANTA!! (DING DING DING the light bulb goes off in his head of what he just spelled)
Hey is Rudolph and the Reindeer there? I want to go I want to go, is Santa there I want to see Santa!!! (Fit is then thrown and child spends time cooling down in his room or in time out.)

Having your child learn new and amazing things can be great but I will definitely need to rethink how I communicate and parent my child in the future.

But then again if I keep spelling words out for him to sound out who knows perhaps he could go on to win big trophies and big bucks at spelling bees and could even pay for college this way. Perhaps I will get a great big huge dictionary and start spelling out outlandishly hard words for my son to sound out so can one day become a Spelling Bee Champion. Hey Liam try this word on for size can you sound out the word...

Awakenings and Reminders

From a young age I learned quickly to adapt to being from two different worlds the secular world of the Caucasian and the spiritual/mystical world of the Maori. Mostly these two worlds coexist in harmony and peace within me while at times they are at war with one another about how I should function as a product of both of them. In an effort to make a compromise since I live in the United States far away from my other homeland of New Zealand I believe that my inner Maori has chosen to slumber within me to allow me the ability to function in the world that I live in.
However there are times when that inner Maori makes herself known to me and reminds me that she is indeed there and still apart of me. It seems that there is a pattern to her awakenings. When I am particularly stressed, depressed, scared, or confused she arouses to comfort me and remind me that I am a child of Aotearoa and that I have ancestors that are pulling for me on the other side.

The Maori culture is one of deep spirituality where we believe that our departed dead still exist in the world of the Spirits. From the tender age of three years old I have had multiple spiritual experiences where both my beloved grandmother Maku Mei Reihana for whom I am named and my great great grandfather Maihi Paraone Kawiti
have been a source of comfort and peace for me. I feel that it is them that send me these little reminders of who I am and that they are mindful of me despite the fact that they may feel so far away from me as they reside in the world of the Spirits. This past week was a particularly rough one for me filled with disappointment and heartache, yet as a special gift from Heaven, by "accident" I stumbled upon this video on You-tube. I must admit that I sobbed and sobbed watching it as my inner Maori reminded me that I have many ancestors that are invested in me and are mindful of me and all that I am worked so hard to accomplish. This has been a hard week but I am grateful for the reminder that I am not truly alone and that I have ancestors that love me and are supportive of me despite the distance and time that separates us.

Failed To Mention One Little Thing...

I have failed to mention one major accomplishment that I was able to achieve over the Summer. In the past 9 months I have completed 25 credits and in so doing I have advanced to becoming a:

Today was the first day back for all three of us:
Bill: Finishing his Masters Degree
Me: Advanced on to being a Sophmore
Liam: Has advanced to the Four's class at preschool.
I am looking forward to this next semester and hope that we all survive! Also wishing each of you much success and happiness in all your personal endeavors as well.

Restored

We had an enjoyable and memorable family vacation to our most favorite place on Earth, Tony Grove in the Cache National Forest. I feel restored, mostly well-rested and rearing to go back to school tomorrow. I hope that each of you have remained sane as you are either going back to school, preparing a spouse or children for school. Hope its a great and successful year for all!

Will They Like Me?

I am getting ready to start a new session of classes in the morning and I can't help but feel a little nervous. I wonder if I will like my teachers, will I find someone to study with and more importantly will my fellow classmates like me.

I thought that these feelings and thoughts would end with childhood and yet I find that I still worry about making a good impression just as much as I did as a child. I know I have just broken an unwritten rule that states that we are not suppose to admit that we worry still whether or not others like us, but I can't help it as I sit here worrying all the same hoping that I will make a few friends and that my fellow classmates will like me.

Having A Case Of Fried Brain Syndrome

One of the wonders of a summer college course is that they can actually take fifteen weeks of material and cram it into only four weeks. I endure three hours a day of lecture time and then retreat to the library to do lots and lots of reading, writing, and test preparations the rest of the day.

Hooray, I have come down to the final two days and yet I am experiencing an intense case of "Fried Brain Syndrome." The symptoms are that your brain feels stiff and sore and you cant possible stuff anymore information into it. Its like my brain has undergone a revolt of its own accord and refuses to cooperate. I have tried to coax it to cooperation in the past 24 hours by taking it to a movie, going to bed early and even blogging and facebooking for atleast an hour and yet can I get any cooperation?? NO!

This is what my brain feels like right now with all of the information overload it has endured the past four weeks!

My Brain has insisted that I should continue blogging and facebooking just a little bit longer and read a fun book instead of my textbook and then maybe, just maybe it will realign with my requests and assist me with the avalanche of homework I have waiting for me. Wish me luck folks as I work the kinks out of my "Fried Brian Syndrome" and get the course work I have to finish in the next 24 hours.

PS Liam had a fabulous Birthday Thank You all for your wishes, I will post pictures later when I have more time to do them justice.

Exhausted But Thankful

I can't seem to stop yawning! I am so tired that even my hair and fingernails seem to be exhausted. I am taking 12 credits over the course of the Summer and this has been the first week of classes for me. I am overwhelmed with how busy I am.

I get up around 6 am and leave the house at about 8 am and don't get home until about 9-10 pm every night. I haven't seen Liam in days and I am missing him so much! Sadly tomorrow, Saturday I will be doing homework the better part of the day.

I am working hard at school right now while I try to manage a family, a marriage, a home, and other areas of my life. I feel overwhelmed yet grateful to a loving husband that supports me and compensates for me. He had dinner made for us yesterday when I got home at 9pm last night and helped me get Liam ready for bed. Bill took compassion on me and tucked me into bed as well and cleaned the house while I slept. I am so grateful for all that he does to show me his support as I am so crazy busy with my education goals. He totally understands my ambitions and doesn't resent me for wanting to achieve and accomplish my lofty goals. I love and appreciate you so much honey for standing by me and supporting me in my madness. Lots of love, Moana

Last Week Of Classes

I am so relieved that this is the last week of classes and next week is finals week. I will be attending classes this summer which begins May 11, 2009. I have worked so hard this semester and am looking forward to my final grades posting in the next few weeks. I have also registered for Fall and am excited about some of the classes I will be taking. I have come to the realization that I am enjoying college despite the levels of stress and mayhem that occasionally ensue.

Your Mom Goes To College

Many of you may have heard of a little movie that was done several years ago called, "Napoleon Dynamite," anyone heard of this flick?? I know it has a huge following and that most of you have either seen it or may even own a copy. Bill is actually from Preston and so this movie holds sentimental value to both of us since we met in Preston 16 years ago. This one liner of Kips, "Your mom goes to college," has been on my mind this morning as I have been extremely busy getting ready for the week to begin.

I was impressed that the Ensign this month features many articles discussing the importance of gaining an education. I am so grateful for this issue and have been slowly devouring it page by page. At times I am exhausted, overwhelmed, and uncertain how I am going to balance all that I have on my plate and yet I am also extremely proud and happy of this amazing opportunity that I have to gain an education. Some of the things I have done in the past 12 hours as part of my role as a student:

1. Stayed up until midnight to register for summer semester.
2. Kicked and screamed a little since one of the classes I need is no longer being offered, had to get really creative and find a way to make up the credit difference.
3. Emailed a professor for Fall, planning out my Fall semester and had a few questions.
4. Emailed a fellow classmate.
5. Filled out my weekly calendar and planner for the week.
6. Organized my backpack for the week.
7. Created two study guides for my two tests this week.
8. Reorganized my appointments since I have 4 exam study sessions to attend this week in preparation for my tests.
9. Reviewed my homework assignments and emailed questions to professor and classmates.
10. Arranged Liam's schedule with Grammy Coleen, she will pick him up from school so that I can attend my study sessions. Thanks Grammy!
11. Made a huge crockpot meal so that we wont starve and I wont have to make dinner for at least two-three days.
12. Caught up on the laundry, cleaned and vacuumed the entire house in preparation for this crazy busy week.
13. I am sure that there is way more that I have done in preparation in my role as a student but this is what came to mind.

I just wanted to document some of the things that I am doing as a wife and mother that also happens to be a college student as well.

Feverish

I have a test today at school and yet I am distracted since Liam is very sick right now. He has been feverish for the past two days and hasn't eaten much the entire time. He is lethargic and it kills me to leave him with Bill so that I can go to class only to worry about him the entire time. I know his daddy is doing a great job taking care of him and yet when its your child you want nothing more then to be the one comforting and caring for them! Some days its so hard to continue on with this goal of education when you see how sick your child is and you want nothing more then to stay home with them to care for them. I miss the days when it was me that stayed home full time with him and yet Heavenly Father has prompted me to get my education right now and not to delay it any longer. So with faith I pick myself up again and hope that I understand Him correctly and that all of the sacrifices will be worth it in the end.